I haven't taken the time to write the following down yet, because it's not really public knowledge. However, I figure that most of my "following" already knows, and those who don't, are bound to find out soon anyway. I want to get these things down before I forget them.
It's hard to say where this story starts, but I keep thinking back to the miscarriage I had in January of 2009. I was not prepared for that pregnancy, Daniel was still very young, and I was trying to finish my teaching degree. In all honesty, it took me a little while to accept the idea of another baby so soon...until we saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks. And then the excitement blossomed. We started thinking of names, making plans, talking to Timmy about another brother or sister, and then.. Only a couple of short weeks later we lost the baby.
I went through a variety of feelings, from guilt at not being initially thrilled at being pregnant...like it was my fault for not accepting it at first, to being angry, very angry with God. I felt like He was toying with me. It took a very long time for me to emotionally come to terms with what had happened. I had no idea that it would be over 2 years before we had any more success with "fertility". In August of this year (2011) I finally had a positive pregnancy test, but it didn't last long. By the next day the tests were fading quickly, and were showing negative by the evening.
I tried to convince myself that only a day or two shouldn't bother me much. I had pre-school to prepare for and other things to think about. But I didn't talk to God about it, because in my heart I was angry again, confused, and maybe a little scared at what He might tell me. I avoided God. Sure, I went to church, and did meal time prayers, but intimate thoughts and close Bible studies I fled from. I convinced myself that I didn't have time to dwell on it.
I give all of this history, some personal, some that I have never shared before, because this past leads up to some amazing ways God has touched me. The first weekend in November I had the opportunity to go on a Women's retreat with some friends from church. When we arrived I looked at the schedule. On the last day I noticed that it said "Personal Retreat". My heart leaped. No more excuses, that intimate time with God was being handed to me. I went through the retreat, listening, praying, laughing. By Saturday afternoon I went from dreading that personal time to looking forward to it. I got nervous just thinking about it...I hadn't TALKED to God, and I hadn't LISTENED to Him in quite awhile.
When the time came we went from having over 30 minutes, to just having 15 for our personal retreat. I was disappointed. I was sure that what I had to tell God and what He had to tell me would take more than 15 measly minutes. But I decided to make the most of it, forgetting that God operates in his own time. I found a wooded area where I could be alone, and I started to cry. I let it all out, my anger, my confusion, my guilt at being angry and not trusting. Asking what I was supposed to do, begging for answers, wondering if I should hope for more children, or if God was telling me to move on. And then I was quiet. One time, many years ago, I performed the "Bible-page flip" to seek answers. I was in highschool, and in a relationship that wasn't spectacular, but being a teenager, didn't know what to do. I did the Bible flip thing and God gave me some very clear directions. So, on this day, I decided to give it another try.
Tentatively I began flipping the pages of my Bible with my eyes closed. Not sure what I would find, but trusting that God's word would give me SOMETHING even if it wasn't completely clear. The leaves rustled in the trees, a few birds chirped cheerful greetings to one another, unaware of the emotional struggle taking place beneath them. God's word gently breathed on my cheek as I let the pages quickly slip by my thumb. I stopped, and with my eyes still closed, blindly jabbed my finger somewhere in the middle of the page. Luke 24:36 "Peace be with you". The page is still wrinkled from the wetness of my tears. Oh the love of my God, to forgive me, and comfort me. To put his arm around me and hold me with his word, promising to give me peace.
A few days before Thanksgiving Daniel crawled into bed with me, stroked my hair, and said, "Mommy, I want a little sister baby, okay?" I smiled and told him that would be nice, and gave him a little hug. Timmy has shared a similar wish in the past, so I thought maybe Daniel had picked up on it, even though it had been awhile since Timmy had said anything. Never the less, the day after Thanksgiving (yes, black Friday), I did a pregnancy test, and it came up positive.
Feelings of excitement and fear swirled through my head. I attempted to put into practice the idea of "hoping for the best, being prepared for the worst". I got into the doctor right away and the lab results all looked positive. Over the course of two weeks we continued blood-work, doctor's appointments and supplements. We have been very careful to not say anything to the boys until we get a little farther along. However, Daniel continues to amaze us. The week after Thanksgiving I was cleaning out the bathroom cabinets. I came across some of Daniel's unused swim diapers (because we threw the used ones away :-) I gathered them together and put them all in one bag. Daniel walked in and asked me what they were. I told him, and said that he used to use them when he was a baby, but he doesn't need them anymore. He matter of factly said, "Oh, okay, well, you can just save them in there for my sister baby that I talked to God about." After I picked my jaw up off of the floor, I put the diapers back in the cabinet and walked out of the bathroom.
A few days later we had our first snow. Daniel made a series of little snowmen. He informed me that he had made "Mommy, Daddy, Timmy, Me, and my little sister baby". This child, who is a very typically ego-centric 4 year old, that doesn't like sharing his Mommy with anybody will NOT stop talking about his "sister baby". Whether we come across baby toys in the store or happen across pictures of babies, Daniel gets a sweet little smile on his face and starts talking about it.
This past Friday we had the first ultrasound done. I dropped Timmy off at school and Daniel off at a friend's house. On the way, the fuse blew in my van that runs the radio. I mentioned it to Rick and he said that I would just have to sing to myself. I wasn't entirely amused by his suggestion. However, as I drove down the interstate, the silence began to get to me. I was extremely nervous about what the ultrasound would reveal. I wanted to be hopeful, but at the same time I was trying to figure out how to prepare myself for bad news. I began to sing, first "How Great Thou Art", and then "I am Trusting You Lord Jesus," and finally Mary's Magnificant, that I had the good fortune of knowing due to singing it at Advent service over the last 3 weeks. Even though I tried to tell myself that I should be a little scared and worried, by the time I reached the Doctor's office, I wasn't....I was at peace. The ultrasound a strong heartbeat and a baby growing at exactly the right rate. In fact, according to the ultrasound, this precious life began growing on the same day I wrote about in my previous blog entry (you'll have to read it if you haven't already).
We might need to officially inform the boys sooner rather than later. Yesterday, Daniel had some pacifiers and told Timmy that he was saving them for....you guessed it, his sister baby. Timmy looks at me and says, "is that true? Is what Daniel said true?" I squirmed, not wanting to lie, not wanting to confirm anything yet and resorted to, "uuuhmmm, Daniel thinks it's true" and quickly changed the subject. When we do tell them I have no doubt that Daniel won't be the least bit surprised. We are still holding off. At least for a little while. I realistically know that my history of miscarriage results in a strong risk. But I am hopeful that Daniel in fact knows more than any of us. And I know that while in my weakness I may have doubts, God in his strength will give me peace no matter what happens.
